This Winter (So Far)

So far, this winter has been the warmest and least snowy winter since I have moved to Upstate New York. That being said, it's been the hardest for me so far. Maybe right now I am feeling low because I have been sick going on three weeks, but still...I have been thinking about death a lot again.

For a while, I felt content and sure of how I felt about the afterlife or heaven or whatever you want to call it. Maybe I just need reminding. I am so scared that I am going to lose someone. I'm not as afraid of losing myself as I am of losing someone in my family. Times are hard, grandparents are getting old.

Maybe it's this college thing. The closer and more sure I am of my future, the more sure I am that death is unavoidable. Obviously, this is the case and it's something we learn at a young age. I don't know how to explain it. It just feels like death is more certain than ever.

Maybe it's because I'm choosing to move forward. The closer I get to growing up and living the life I have always dreamed about, the older I get and feel. I am going to be 18 years old next month. You may be thinking, I wish I was 18 again. And, one day, I will probably have that same thought. In the grand scheme of things, I am a very young person. But, people younger than I am die every day.

And, speaking of the grand scheme of things, I think that's what scares me the most. In the grand scheme of things, we're a blip in time. The people who make a lasting impact on the world in that short blip of time, the people who are never forgotten, that's who I want to be. Someone who doesn't just live and die and that's it. I want to change something. I want to do something for the world that no one will ever forget. Whether it's a breakthrough in music or journalism or science - I want it to be something that will inspire others to know that they can make a difference, too.

Everything seemed to be going great and then, boom, I got sick. Not a huge disturbance in my life, but big enough to make me think about how nothing goes as expected. A good friend of mine told me a quote, one that he put in his senior profile. It was something along the lines of "You plan things and life happens."

I guess that's sort of what I am afraid of. Life happening without me, while I'm writing my lists and planning what's next. I'm such a control freak that I can't even let myself be. Just be. Go with the flow. Whatever happens, happens. I wish I could have that attitude. I hope that one day, I can let myself. Maybe, then, these internal conflicts will subside, like a violent storm within me. Until then, I'm grabbing onto the oars and trying to get this lifeboat to land.