So, I Guess This Is Growing Up

Well, lately I have realized a few things.

One thing I have realized is that there are things, little things, that matter so much to me, and they can sound so stupid and inane to someone else. Simple things. I went to the bank the other day, with my aunt, and, I didn’t know why, but it made me feel joyful. So, I  thought about it, as one would think, and I came to the conclusion that, as I get older, I associate these little things in life with joy because it brings me back to a more peaceful and simple time in my life. The bank meant 3 things as a child; -I would get some alone time with my mother. –We were getting money, which is always a good thing. –And, I got a lollipop. Something as simple as a lollipop at the bank made a big impression on me.

Now, on a less joyful note, another thing I have realized is the true meaning of being alone, or feeling alone. You do not need to be physically alone to be alone. I was in a class of 18 kids in my high school. Select choir. And, although there were 18 other people in the room, I felt the most lonely I have felt in a very long time. Because I couldn’t relate to anyone and could not and did not care to speak about any of our similarities, I felt lonely. I am not too fond of being physically alone. It is one of my biggest fears to die ALONE, whether it be physically or figuratively. But, I must say, at that moment I wished I was in a dark, covered hole somewhere with no one but myself to know. Being alone scares me for one reason. When you are physically and figuratively alone you cannot preoccupy yourself in conversation and you cannot share your pain or someone else’s. You need to live and bear your thoughts on your own. That is the hardest thing for me. To have to think about my fears and pain. I like having anyone around just so I do not have to go through those thought processes.

One last thing that I have realized lately is that we really do hate in others most what we hate in ourselves most…but that’s all I really have to say about that. :)